Had dinner with a friend this evening and she brought up a conversation she just recently had with some folks.  She told me that the other night after a GA meeting, several people were chatting about a member and his son who just died.  The man in his 80's, the son who died in his 60's.    My friend told the others that there really is nothing to say to the man other than "I'm sorry" and that one should not carry on about how his son is now in a better place, lived a good life or is no longer in pain. 

I'm thinking ... Good for her.  Maybe she gets it.

Then she tells me that Harry (another member, in his 60's, has a son who committed suicide several years ago) said that it's just awful and that people avoid you like the plague.  That it's very lonely and isolating.  She responded to his statement with "have you ever thought that maybe you are the one who did the isolating?  As compulsive gamblers, we are loners by nature and like to isolate.  Maybe it's you that avoided people.  Or gave off a vibe that you wanted to be left alone."

I don't think words can really convey the tone of how she said it.  It sounded as if she was blaming him for people avoiding him.

And that's when I realized ... Wow, she really doesn't get it.  I guess no one ever really does unless they lived it.

She kept going on and on about it.  Perhaps because I wasn't saying anything?  Finally, I did say, "I'm sure it was hard for him.  He's what?  In his 60's?  He and his wife probably lost friends that they had had for over thirty years.  It's like another loss."  Yet, she still missed the point and kept harping on how he should have reached out and the fact people don't know what to say and they mean well and blah, blah, blah. 

The whole thing has me agitated.  And I wish I had known this had happened so I could have told him tonight when I saw him that she's wrong.  So, so wrong!   The worst thing in the world happened to this man and no way, no how, was it his responsibility to reach out to people when he probably couldn't breathe right.

It just makes me sad.  For so many reasons.


Oh yeah, she also said to me tonight that she doesn't think he and his wife have really dealt with the loss of their son.  And it's been years, you know.

 AAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!  That's what I wanted to scream.  Instead, I said that I'm sure they haven't.

Ah well.  Tears.

Laine