Christmas 2012

Wow.  It has been way too long.  I'm not even sure why I'm typing tonight.  Or why I even still have this blog.  I was late to the party anyway and fizzled out before I even got going.

Ah, well. 

Perhaps the holidays has sparked something within.  Or the recent tragedy in Connecticut.  Whatever the spark, I feel a little blue.  A bit melancholy.  And a bit tired.

I have the need to share about all that's been going on in my little life.  Almost like an annual Christmas newsletter.  (Aren't those just torturous?)  To share that my ungrateful spoiled 12 year old is bitching about how he got crap for Christmas.  About how I'm stressing about him switching schools.  Again.  How I worry about his future.  And about my 4-1/2 year old and 2 year old and their little personalities and what's going on in their lives.  But....

But it's been a long couple of weeks of dealing with colds and running around to be ready for this festive holiday.  Now as all are sleeping in this house except me and the 12 year old (who is complaining how deprived he is to his friends on the phone), the dam has broken.

I don't understand.  Almost six years and I don't understand.  How?  Why?  What?

I miss him.  Blake.  My baby boy who should be here. 

I can't even imagine what he would look like or who he would be at 5years old. I'm sad.  And just a tad pissed off.  Still.

Yeah, it gets better.  The grief doesn't tear me down as it once did.  No it doesn't define me as it once did.  But it still can strike me and it has molded me.  Almost six years later and I'm still navigating this miserable, sad and lonely road.  Because it is lonely.  It is sad.  And it is miserable.

Ah,well.  Thoughts are swirling in my brain and I cannot form coherent thoughts anymore.  Really, what can be said that hasn't been said before?

I just miss my baby. And I miss me, too.  Even though I vaguely remember her.

And my mom and dad, too.

Wishing you peace and gentleness in the new year,

Laine