Sunday, June 26, 2011

complacency and forgiveness

I attend 12step meetings and in those meetings, we read a daily meditation book.  Thursday, the reflection was: Complacency is my enemy, easy to recognize in others but difficult to identify and accept in myself. Complacency simply means being sure we're right - taking it for granted that we couldn't possibly be wrong. It means, moreover, judging others by what we think is right. It blocks out understanding and kindness, and seems to justify qualities in ourselves that we'd find wholly intolerable in others.

I had never thought of the definition of complacency as such.  That's a word thrown around in meetings often and I've always thought of the meaning more like laziness or not putting forth effort.  So of course I had to search the web for the definition.  And this is what I found. 

1.   A feeling of contentment or self-satisfaction, especially when coupled with an unawareness of danger, trouble, or controversy. 

2.  A feeling of calm satisfaction with your own abilities or situation that prevents you from trying harder.

So it's giving me much to ponder.  I definitely have an issue with "complacency".  I have a very difficult time thinking I could possibly be wrong.  I am very judgmental which leads to a sense of smugness.  

Before the meeting, I met with a friend so that we could "chat".  This is a person who, if asked six months ago, I would have called my closest friend.  In the last six months, a whole bunch of shit has happened which would take me forever and a day to write about here.  I'll give you a brief rundown.  She had a very bad breakup two years ago ending a ten year relationship and she has been very depressed about it for the past two years.  She decided she was going to start 2011 with a new positive attitude and start dating again and stop letting negativity in her life and stop letting other people drag her down.  Meanwhile, I had a baby in December, quit my job, took my three year old out of daycare and became a sahm.  I was majorly sleep deprived, my husband was (is?) an idiot and I felt way overwhelmed, all alone, anxious and depressed; basically the poster child for negativity.  While she was partying and dating again, I was at home freaking out.  Looking back, I believe I was probably suffering from post partum depression.  But I felt abandoned by her and thought it was because she didn't want to deal with my problems and 'negativity'.  She then broke her foot in March and from our discussion the other night, she feels I abandoned her in her time of need.  

So it comes down to grown women acting like teenagers again and not communicating with each other.  Her feelings are/were hurt and mine are too.  We talked a little about it and each apologized and decided to start fresh from here.  

Which lies the problem.  I can't seem to let it go.  She had no idea that I felt abandoned (I sound like a child, I know) in January and February.  I told her the other night and she was surprised and kind of shrugged it off.  Okay, she did apologize but she had no idea what I was talking about.  She thinks the problem started in March after she broke her foot.  I think she only noticed that I wasn't around in March (and let's not forget that my dead son's birthday is in March which sends me reeling every frickin' year to begin with and I'm not completely sane) was that she couldn't drive and so she wasn't going out and partying so much anymore and that was when she noticed that tried and true Laine wasn't around.  See?  I'm still trying to defend myself here and prove that I'm 'right' even though we supposed to have let bygones be bygones and start anew. 

Which leads me to the meditation from Wednesday; which I read Thursday night during the meeting break.  The minute we think about a twisted or broken relationship with another person, our emotions go on the defensive. To avoid looking at the wrongs we've done another, we resentfully focus on the wrong he or she has done us. With a sense of triumph, we seize upon his or her slightest misbehavior as the perfect excuse for minimizing or forgetting our own. We have to remember that we're not the only ones plagued by sick emotions. Often, we're really dealing with fellow sufferers, including those whose woes we've increased.

The only thing I can respond to that little ditty is "Fuck me".  

But I don't know how to let it go.  How to completely forgive her.  I miss her but now the trust has been broken and the friendship will never be the same.  And I'm pissed and I'm hurt and I'm sad.  She was one of the chosen few who 'got it'.  Or at least, tried to 'get it' when it came to Blake.  And now I feel I don't want to share that part of me with her anymore.  I don't know.  I don't know where I'm going with this post.  It's just all jumbled in my head and I thought I could get some perspective if I wrote it out.  But I'm not.  It's just making me sad.

I want to release it.  The anger and hurt that I feel.  I've been upset about this for months and I finally took a step to try to mend it the other night.  And now I'm thinking maybe it was too soon because I can't let it go.  I want to forgive her.  I want to admit my wrongdoing in this.  But I can't seem to get past the feeling that I'm right and she's wrong.

Any words of wisdom out there?  How does one forgive?  How do you forgive someone when that person doesn't really think they did anything wrong?

Missing Blake always,
Laine

1 comment:

  1. Hey Laine,
    I think this is something most of us babyloss members have struggled with from time to time. I am also wondering if your friend thought that when you had your baby that your world had been "repaired" and that you should just be happy and grateful. I know that I had friends who felt that way and didn't understand how I could still be sad. It was so frustrating. You had a lot going on then, you needed your friend and that is okay. It doesn't sound like she fully understands that. I wish I had some real words of wisdom for you. Unfortunately, I am dealing with a similar experience as well, with a friend who was supposed to be one of my closest and I've felt like she's let me down over and over again, but I know I haven't always been there for her also. It's just so complicated, isn't it?! Best of luck and if you have some success, maybe you can give me some words of wisdom!

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