That's what my 3year old daughter told me tonight as we were playing tent under her covers. Which totally melts my heart. And reminds me what a precious gift she is!
My pregnancy with Blake was a surprise. It took a while for us to try for another after our oldest. Just a lot of shit going on. Basically I was gambling my life away. And all of our money. A couple of years after I quit gambling, we decided to try for another. Not that we tried really hard. It wasn't until after Blake that I even knew about charting and temps and all that other shit involved in ttc. Before him, we did it the old fashioned way with the attitude if it happens, it happens. What's meant to be will be. (Yeah, gagging now as I type this. Perspective is everything, I guess.)
So when a little hurricane hit our neck of the woods and all hell broke loose, I took it as a sign that D would be an only. And really was fine with that. After the storm, my son, my mother and I lived with my sister in Maryland for a few weeks. Then my son and I lived with my aunt just a few blocks away with her family and her in-laws (their house got flooded). My dh stayed at our house repairing it. We didn't flood, but had damage from the huge hole that had been blown out our roof. I eventually was laid off in the spring of 2006. I was a manager of a store and the mall suffered major damage. They kept me on for a few months scurrying me about, but eventually they had to let two of us go. The kicker ... the store was a maternity clothing store. I started exercising. Lost some weight. Was feeling pretty good about myself and my life.
In July of 2006, immediately after I ate a slice of pizza and threw up, I knew. I had the same issue when I was pregnant with D. I was surprised. To tell you the truth, I was kind of freaked out. I felt too old to be doing it all over again.
But I was excited to be doing it all over again. I figured I didn't know diddly about freakin' signs. Or that it didn't happen because of the storm and now the timing might be better for us. Do I really need to tell you how completely pissed off I was when I was told "Nope, there's no heartbeat" just as simply as someone telling me "Nope, we're out of fries today." Are you fuckin' kidding me?!?! What a sick, cosmic joke!! And that was my mantra for about 80 percent of my labor with Blake. Really, I was okay having an only child. Why bother giving me another just to take him away? I didn't understand it then, and I certainly don't understand it today.
After Blake died, I knew I wanted another one. The baby lust was so strong I couldn't see straight. Of course, I couldn't see straight because I was a blithering mess in the pits of hell.
After our daughter was born, I cried every night as I rocked her begging Whoever, Whatever not to take her, too. I was completely in love with her. I had forgotten what it was like to have a real, live baby. It had been eight years. Shit, I've forgotten with S and it's only been 2 1/2 years.
She really helped make me smile a little brighter again. Not to take anything away from D because he was the only reason I could function at all that first year. The only reason I was able to smile. There's just a light about this girl that brings me to tears sometimes. Could be that she's at the fun age. Granted she's in her terrible threes, but it's the cutest age. I still remember D at that age. They're just so funny and becoming such little people.
After these past four months, I had decided last week to start taking better care of myself. These past four months, probably due to major sleep deprivation, I've been in a funk. You can tell by my last post. When I read it today, I seem so angry. But it was just what I needed. By typing that post, I was able to release some of it. That's the funny thing about grief. It's such a convoluted mess. One day, you're up and the next, you're hanging on the edge of the abyss with bloody fingers.
Tonight, a friend of mine had some friends over. She had a psychic or fortune teller there to read our fortunes. I figured it'd be a kick. There's been some tension between my friend and me the last few months and I thought perhaps this was some sort of olive branch she was extending. There were a bunch of us there and the psychic person took a really long time with each person. I never got my fortune told. I think she used tarot cards but cannot be sure. I had to leave because it was getting late and I needed to get home for the kids' bedtime. As I was driving home, I felt a little bummed out that I missed out.
Not thirty minutes later, I'm under the covers playing in the tent when my daughter tells me as she's playing with my hair, "You look like a princess, Mommy". I told her "Thank you. You look like a princess, too."
I thought to myself "thank you" with a deep breath and hugged her tight. She has no idea what joy she has brought to this broken woman who was in such darkness for such a long time. And continues to do so. No, she can never replace the hole in my heart. I don't want her to. But she reminds me to enjoy the present (as in time) and to let the little anthills that I make into mountains remain the anthills they are.
As I was finishing up this post, my baby woke up for his midnight snack. And again, I took a breath and thought "Thank you". In a second, I'll go hug my oldest while he's sleeping and do the same.
After months of feeling overwhelmed and stressed out, I think I'm beginning to breathe a little lighter and learning to see the little bits of happiness that exist. No matter how fleeting those moments may be.
Missing Blake always,
Laine
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